SINGAPORE: According to a study by the National Youth Council and Institute of Policy Studies, two in five young Singaporeans have never been in a relationship.
The longitudinal study, which tracked Singaporeans aged between 17 and 24 in 2017 over six years, found that the top reasons were not having met the right person yet, having more important priorities such as their careers, and finding dating in Singapore stressful.
As a Gen X-er, I was rather flummoxed by the study’s findings. During my time, it was considered normal among my peers to have crushes when we were 13 or 14, start going on group dates from 15 onwards, and then have a string of short-lived sort-of relationships.
Young lovebirds would hog the landline for hours at home, or endeavour to head out for curfew-busting dinner or movie dates, much to the ire of their parents. And when we were not with our boyfriend or girlfriend, we would hang out with our besties, dissecting one another’s dating lives, relationships or breakups.
Jackpot was getting to the point of asking someone to “go steady”. These “starter relationships” might last weeks, months or years, and some even culminated in marriage.
In my university days, most undergrads - even the shyest ones and the late bloomers - were happily attached and had applied for an HDB together by their final year. Their flat would be ready in three years’ time, by which they would have settled into their careers and saved enough for their wedding, downpayment and home renovations.
‘EMOTIONALLY SELF-SUFFICIENT’But settling down in your early 20s seems to be a thing of the past. My nieces and nephews, all in their 20s, did not date that much in their teens, preferring to stay home cooped up in their rooms, or to hang out with their friends.
And yet, my oldest niece C recently got married at 27, despite having professed in her younger years that she wasn’t interested in relationships nor marriage. She somehow zeroed in quickly on her Mr Right when she signed up for salsa classes two years ago.
Her brother, D, who’s 25, is in a steady relationship with a university classmate. Before that, he spent most of his time with friends from junior college and National Service.
His girlfriend G, 23, explained that while parents might be worrying and wondering why young people don’t seem to be going out on dates, many of them are actually busy socialising from the comfort of their rooms. They could be swiping on a dating app in between online gaming, chatting with friends and so on.
“It’s so easy to explore your interests, to find and create multiple friendships and little communities online,” she explained. “And that also means we are more emotionally self-sufficient, and don’t feel as if something’s missing just because we aren’t going out on dates, nor in a relationship.”
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Younger singles increasingly approaching dating agencies for matchmaking services LESS PRESSURE TO FIND THE ONEThough people of my generation may lament how kids these days aren’t as interested in dating, the upside is that young Singaporeans no longer feel pressured about it.
My ex-boss, who’s in her 60s, confided in me that the worst decade of her life was her 20s: “My parents, relatives, colleagues, friends and even just society in general, seemed to be rushing me to find someone and get hitched and have babies … since I was single then, I felt like a terrible failure and that there was something horribly wrong about me.”
Another friend said that the message Gen X parents give their kids is completely different from previous generations. “I tell my four daughters they don’t need to feel any pressure to have a relationship, or a marriage, or children. They just need to grow up self-sufficient and happy,” she said.
Her oldest daughter, who’s in her 20s, has never had a relationship, and neither have her group of six close friends. Instead, they meet once a week in someone’s home, to eat and chat while crafting together - crocheting, knitting, beading or painting.
A RESPONSE TO HARSH REALITIESIt is indeed a positive development that young people aren’t made to feel abnormal or lacking for being single. This trend is playing out in other parts of the world too.
A survey of unmarried Japanese people aged 20 to 49 found that 34 per cent had never dated. The most common reason that women gave for not wanting marriage was because it limits their lifestyles, while the top reason given by men was the loss of financial freedom.
In South Korea, more than 30 per cent of women and 50 per cent of men in their 30s are single. There’s also a social movement of young women rejecting dating, relationships, marriage and motherhood, in protest of misogyny in the country.
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But young people can’t be blamed for choosing singlehood when they’re responding to the harsh realities of economic uncertainty, rising costs of living and increasingly unaffordable housing. Many are focused on taking care of themselves, much less finding a partner and raising children.
In the meantime, if young singles are living rich, fulfilling and interesting solo lives while being more discerning of iflccplus, when and whom they choose to pair off with, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Tracy Lee is a freelance lifestyle writer based in Singapore.